Once upon a time there was a girl who wasn't super model beautiful; but people always told her she was pretty, gorgeous, sexy... All different types of people, both guys and girls, and ages ranging from teenagers to the elderly would stop her in stores, parking lots, etc... just to tell her how pretty she was. When she was with her teenage sons people couldn't believe that she was old enough to be their mom. When she looked sad, people would make it a point to ask her to smile and tell her that anyone who made her sad didn't deserve her because she was so pretty... Guys flirted with her constantly and said that they wished she was theirs... Being pretty was one thing; but she was also outgoing, silly, successful and fairly smart too. Everyone was always so surprised when they had an opportunity to get to know her or work with her and see that she had substance and wasn't just a dumb silly blonde. Someone once told her that she defied all logic, that she was truly a gem because smart girls that were as pretty as she was just didn't exist.
After all this attention, she wondered why the guys she liked always threw her away. See, she was a strong minded, and independent girl. She just "got it" and because of that she continuously found herself orchestrating, directing, leading, making decisions... She longed for someone with a personality that was just as strong, if not stronger, than hers. She longed for a take charge type of guy who she could trust in. One that would allow her to shine but not depend on her to do everything. Someone who was strong enough to soothe her and make her feel safe. She craved to be able to hold a guys attention. She was let down time and time again by guys who would lavish her with attention and make her feel special and then slowly fade away. With each iteration of this she was left feeling more and more alone and would again begin the cycle that she was determined to break. She couldn't understand why they strung her along, and why all of a sudden they would simply change their minds about her. She blamed herself...never thin enough, fit enough, funny enough, too needy, too clingy, too demanding. She worked so hard to be "just so". Keeping herself in shape, making sure to not text too much, not expect too much, be accommodating, be reasonable, set the bar just a little lower than she wanted to just so that they would stay. She often wondered what others had that she didn't. The repetitive slow and quiet rejection was so anxiety inducing and demoralizing that she began to become consumed by it, she gradually began to lose herself. Surely there must be someone out there who she could be crazy attracted to that would stick. Someone who would find her intriguing enough to put energy into. Someone who wanted to keep her... Didn't she deserve that?
She made all the important decisions in her life based on what was "safe". She analyzed risk at every twist and turn because she was just so hard on herself when she felt that she made a bad decision. She compromised herself over and over again because she was always too fearful of loss, rejection, and abandonment. She let life just happen to her instead of creating what she wanted life to be.
Now this girl - me... I'm finding myself at a point where there are no longer any distractions in my life that are demanding enough to allow me to ignore my need for happiness. I'm still analyzing and assessing; but at a different and more insightful level that I've ever either had time for or allowed myself to explore. I'm planning on sharing my analysis and thoughts here and I'm going to candidly write my kiss and tell stories. Why? Because writing is the only thing that keeps me somewhat anchored now. I need to get it all out. I need to organize the analysis and the stories into concise and articulate posts that will hopefully cut down on the amount of scattered thoughts that are in my mind.
