If happiness, focus, and full life participation comes down to nurturing our facets, how do we do that without hurting anyone, including ourselves? I sincerely wish I had the answer to that. As I said, with regard to romantic relationships, this is certainly more complicated than faithful/unfaithful. This "piecing together" in an attempt to fill a void can introduce variables that can cause chaos, distress, and restlessness. It's difficult to truly recognize what you are missing, define it as a need, and determine how you might satisfy it.
Regardless, this approach seems to best fit me and the intricacies of my life. Time and time again, it’s been the solution that has allowed me to live with the decisions that I've made along the way. Those decisions were perfectly perfect for me at the time I made them; but, over time and as my needs changed, I was left feeling incomplete, empty, and anxious. Each time I found myself lacking happiness and fulfillment I mind looped incessantly about possible solutions; however, any action that I could think to take would simply replace the existing set of stressors with another. Based on my observations over the years, it appears that I'm not alone in finding myself dealing with this set of circumstances.
So...permanence in relationships...is it possible? I fully believe - one hundred percent - that people come into our lives when we need them. They write lines of us and become part of our story. They can be fleeting fixtures of happiness and love, the catalyst that brings on a necessary transition, or the comfort needed to help us struggle through pain. If it’s true though, that the only constant in life is change, then how is it plausible to think that we could ever establish any one relationship - romantic or otherwise - that would continuously satisfy all of our needs as humans? Why do we continue to adhere to, and groom our children to adhere to, the social construct of how relationships are supposed to be conducted?
Interestingly enough there is no social expectation of a legal/contractual obligation or public declaration placed on non-romantic relationships. So why then do we hold the belief that we need to pledge our intent to observe permanence, sexual exclusivity, or monogamy when we find ourselves in an intimate and sexual interpersonal relationship? Why isn't it acceptable to simply say "I love you today...and I want to see you tomorrow"?
Instead, we’re conditioned to bind ourselves to one another when we begin to feel emotionally intense. We seek to preserve the relationship by promising our intent of a lifelong devotion. We become blinded by the excitement and optimism of the relationship and overlook how our expectations may later inhibit our partner’s ability to be free and spontaneous. Our fundamental need for connection causes us to ignore our need for autonomy. When we lose the feeling that we have personal control over our behavior and our decisions we feel compromised and empty. In oder to feel like we're alive we need adventure and passion, we need to feel like all those facets of ourselves are fully functioning. If we don’t feel this we either wither and become a shell of what we could be; or we become desperate to find it often thinking the only way to do so is by moving on and leaving that relationship that so perfectly suited us.
I suppose that any relationship can be permanent if at least one participant is willing to continuously compromise their own beliefs and needs. But I think a person's level of ability to self-compromise for any length of time is based on core personality attributes, hierarchy of needs level, attachment styles, and situational influences. That being said, I do believe that our lives may become and remain congruent with another's. But not if we attempt to throw all of our hopes and dreams into a box and climb inside with the partner we've chosen and close the lid. I think that the secret of a “forever relationship” lies more in the philosophy that each party has to be free to leave, free to retain autonomy, free to nurture their facets, in order to truly stay.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Once Upon a Time....
Once upon a time there was a girl who wasn't super model beautiful; but people always told her she was pretty, gorgeous, sexy... All different types of people, both guys and girls, and ages ranging from teenagers to the elderly would stop her in stores, parking lots, etc... just to tell her how pretty she was. When she was with her teenage sons people couldn't believe that she was old enough to be their mom. When she looked sad, people would make it a point to ask her to smile and tell her that anyone who made her sad didn't deserve her because she was so pretty... Guys flirted with her constantly and said that they wished she was theirs... Being pretty was one thing; but she was also outgoing, silly, successful and fairly smart too. Everyone was always so surprised when they had an opportunity to get to know her or work with her and see that she had substance and wasn't just a dumb silly blonde. Someone once told her that she defied all logic, that she was truly a gem because smart girls that were as pretty as she was just didn't exist.
After all this attention, she wondered why the guys she liked always threw her away. See, she was a strong minded, and independent girl. She just "got it" and because of that she continuously found herself orchestrating, directing, leading, making decisions... She longed for someone with a personality that was just as strong, if not stronger, than hers. She longed for a take charge type of guy who she could trust in. One that would allow her to shine but not depend on her to do everything. Someone who was strong enough to soothe her and make her feel safe. She craved to be able to hold a guys attention. She was let down time and time again by guys who would lavish her with attention and make her feel special and then slowly fade away. With each iteration of this she was left feeling more and more alone and would again begin the cycle that she was determined to break. She couldn't understand why they strung her along, and why all of a sudden they would simply change their minds about her. She blamed herself...never thin enough, fit enough, funny enough, too needy, too clingy, too demanding. She worked so hard to be "just so". Keeping herself in shape, making sure to not text too much, not expect too much, be accommodating, be reasonable, set the bar just a little lower than she wanted to just so that they would stay. She often wondered what others had that she didn't. The repetitive slow and quiet rejection was so anxiety inducing and demoralizing that she began to become consumed by it, she gradually began to lose herself. Surely there must be someone out there who she could be crazy attracted to that would stick. Someone who would find her intriguing enough to put energy into. Someone who wanted to keep her... Didn't she deserve that?
She made all the important decisions in her life based on what was "safe". She analyzed risk at every twist and turn because she was just so hard on herself when she felt that she made a bad decision. She compromised herself over and over again because she was always too fearful of loss, rejection, and abandonment. She let life just happen to her instead of creating what she wanted life to be.
Now this girl - me... I'm finding myself at a point where there are no longer any distractions in my life that are demanding enough to allow me to ignore my need for happiness. I'm still analyzing and assessing; but at a different and more insightful level that I've ever either had time for or allowed myself to explore. I'm planning on sharing my analysis and thoughts here and I'm going to candidly write my kiss and tell stories. Why? Because writing is the only thing that keeps me somewhat anchored now. I need to get it all out. I need to organize the analysis and the stories into concise and articulate posts that will hopefully cut down on the amount of scattered thoughts that are in my mind.
After all this attention, she wondered why the guys she liked always threw her away. See, she was a strong minded, and independent girl. She just "got it" and because of that she continuously found herself orchestrating, directing, leading, making decisions... She longed for someone with a personality that was just as strong, if not stronger, than hers. She longed for a take charge type of guy who she could trust in. One that would allow her to shine but not depend on her to do everything. Someone who was strong enough to soothe her and make her feel safe. She craved to be able to hold a guys attention. She was let down time and time again by guys who would lavish her with attention and make her feel special and then slowly fade away. With each iteration of this she was left feeling more and more alone and would again begin the cycle that she was determined to break. She couldn't understand why they strung her along, and why all of a sudden they would simply change their minds about her. She blamed herself...never thin enough, fit enough, funny enough, too needy, too clingy, too demanding. She worked so hard to be "just so". Keeping herself in shape, making sure to not text too much, not expect too much, be accommodating, be reasonable, set the bar just a little lower than she wanted to just so that they would stay. She often wondered what others had that she didn't. The repetitive slow and quiet rejection was so anxiety inducing and demoralizing that she began to become consumed by it, she gradually began to lose herself. Surely there must be someone out there who she could be crazy attracted to that would stick. Someone who would find her intriguing enough to put energy into. Someone who wanted to keep her... Didn't she deserve that?
She made all the important decisions in her life based on what was "safe". She analyzed risk at every twist and turn because she was just so hard on herself when she felt that she made a bad decision. She compromised herself over and over again because she was always too fearful of loss, rejection, and abandonment. She let life just happen to her instead of creating what she wanted life to be.
Now this girl - me... I'm finding myself at a point where there are no longer any distractions in my life that are demanding enough to allow me to ignore my need for happiness. I'm still analyzing and assessing; but at a different and more insightful level that I've ever either had time for or allowed myself to explore. I'm planning on sharing my analysis and thoughts here and I'm going to candidly write my kiss and tell stories. Why? Because writing is the only thing that keeps me somewhat anchored now. I need to get it all out. I need to organize the analysis and the stories into concise and articulate posts that will hopefully cut down on the amount of scattered thoughts that are in my mind.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Keeping my "me" intact...
I've spent an extraordinary amount of time over the years learning about myself and also trying to organize and be able to articulate my thoughts about relationships. I can truly say that my views have not changed since I first allowed myself to begin analyzing and defining them, and have only been validated as my experiences grow and as time passes.
I can't say when I began to really consciously question the idea of forever with regard to marriage and relationships. I certainly didn't grow up with the healthiest of relationship modelers to follow; but I know that when I was young enough to be an idealist, I did think there was a happily ever after that involved marriage and babies and the foundation of a loving family.Mostly now, when I visualize the me of then, I'm fairly certain that ideal was due to the fact that I yearned for that loving family because I thought it would make me whole. The me of today is now convinced that the only way for me to be whole is to piece that foundation together with many different relationships. Oh, don't misunderstand me, I'm not suggesting that all of those different relationships would be of a romantic nature. In fact, the analogy that I use most often when attempting to convey my theory has nothing to do with sex, romance, or intimacy. It has to do with the layers or levels of friends that most people have. For example, you might have one friend that you call to go shopping or watch football, another that's more suited for a couples dinner party, and yet another who you have coffee with after your book club get together. Different friends fit the different facets of us; they provide the interactions that foster the well-being of our various moods and needs. If we <society> accept this as a healthy way to conduct our lives then why on earth would we view romantic/sexual/intimate relationships any differently? Why would we ever expect one spouse or romantic partner to fit all our facets? Again, don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that everyone should just throw the notion of faithfulness out the door and go lockdown a good romantic/sexual/intimate rotation. It's definitely more complicated than faithful/unfaithful.
I think a lot of what our facets require is driven by what's mainly going on in our lives, and it's also possible that whatever is going on allows for one romantic partner to be enough. It seems that some people are fully able to either decisively keep their facets in check enough to be happy with one partner; or just happen to not have needy facets to begin with. I've certainly had periods of time where either my life was on an even keel, or I've been too busy enriching one particular facet to give any of the others attention. During those times I haven't felt the need to seek out interactions that would require the addition of friends or romantic partners. Some would say that my reasoning is my own justification that makes me feel ok with how I have decided to conduct my life. I can see where some would think that; however, it's not often that I cut myself any slack nor am I one to make excuses or avoid the truth. I've put quite a bit of thought into what my "me" needs to stay intact to be fully functioning at the highest efficiency possible; and I can truly say, that when all of my facets are nurtured, that's when I'm happiest, most focused, and engaged with those around me.
I can't say when I began to really consciously question the idea of forever with regard to marriage and relationships. I certainly didn't grow up with the healthiest of relationship modelers to follow; but I know that when I was young enough to be an idealist, I did think there was a happily ever after that involved marriage and babies and the foundation of a loving family.Mostly now, when I visualize the me of then, I'm fairly certain that ideal was due to the fact that I yearned for that loving family because I thought it would make me whole. The me of today is now convinced that the only way for me to be whole is to piece that foundation together with many different relationships. Oh, don't misunderstand me, I'm not suggesting that all of those different relationships would be of a romantic nature. In fact, the analogy that I use most often when attempting to convey my theory has nothing to do with sex, romance, or intimacy. It has to do with the layers or levels of friends that most people have. For example, you might have one friend that you call to go shopping or watch football, another that's more suited for a couples dinner party, and yet another who you have coffee with after your book club get together. Different friends fit the different facets of us; they provide the interactions that foster the well-being of our various moods and needs. If we <society> accept this as a healthy way to conduct our lives then why on earth would we view romantic/sexual/intimate relationships any differently? Why would we ever expect one spouse or romantic partner to fit all our facets? Again, don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that everyone should just throw the notion of faithfulness out the door and go lockdown a good romantic/sexual/intimate rotation. It's definitely more complicated than faithful/unfaithful.
I think a lot of what our facets require is driven by what's mainly going on in our lives, and it's also possible that whatever is going on allows for one romantic partner to be enough. It seems that some people are fully able to either decisively keep their facets in check enough to be happy with one partner; or just happen to not have needy facets to begin with. I've certainly had periods of time where either my life was on an even keel, or I've been too busy enriching one particular facet to give any of the others attention. During those times I haven't felt the need to seek out interactions that would require the addition of friends or romantic partners. Some would say that my reasoning is my own justification that makes me feel ok with how I have decided to conduct my life. I can see where some would think that; however, it's not often that I cut myself any slack nor am I one to make excuses or avoid the truth. I've put quite a bit of thought into what my "me" needs to stay intact to be fully functioning at the highest efficiency possible; and I can truly say, that when all of my facets are nurtured, that's when I'm happiest, most focused, and engaged with those around me.
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